Contemporary Confusion (Spoken Word on Soundcloud)

Contemporary confusion
The standard of illusion
It's something like cold fusion
And midway to denial
All we choose to defile
Meanwhile-
Reconcile
Hurry, there's not much left
Worthwhile
Happiness
Have a free trial-
Smile
What is this?
Synthesis
How could I miss-
Bliss?
In breathing
And being-
Not looking
But seeing-
In this life
We create strife,
And our thoughts are self fulfilling
So think of all you're willing

© A. Bougie (4/27/2002)

Kinetics (Spoken Word on Soundcloud)

Let's get this ball rolling

Now just like I said before

I'll be

Feeding on the motion

I'll be

Buzz-Buzz-Zooming

'Cause I can't stop moving

I'm running on kinetics

A welcomed return

From my lymphatic sojourn

Amping towards emphatic

Hell I'm damn near ecstatic

I passed through all the static

Focusing my aim

Getting a clear view

Of what I need to do

No more holding my breath

'Till I nearly turn blue

That stuff just isn't cool

I'm done and tired of
Being someone’s damn fool

© A. Bougie 12/3/2007

Please Take Flight

God
Please
Let me grow
Help me to know
Everything I need
In order to succeed
These otherworldly plans
I’ve made
To engage fully
My mind
Make proper use
Of time
Taking steps
On the road
The only one for me
Clearly I can see
Everything coming along
At a faster relative pace
Working toward this place
Of dreams and learning
Meditation and growth
Joy and peace
I will not release
My motivation
Or belief
Something this way comes
To some it numbs
All reason
Others awaken
Spirits formerly dormant
Opening eyes
As they realize
A full picture colored
Created
With intentions
With ideas and inventions
Kaleidoscopically
In tune with what we see
Arrays of displays
Distractions endeared
Imbibing as we feared
Our future failures
Into becoming
A reason not to try something

God
Please
Give me strength
To move away from the brink
Of desperation
Allow that I find
Sublime elation
Through my deeds
Solace in my self
Courage to uphold
My convictions
Grant me
Serenity
Humble wisdom
Based in light
As I learn
To make dreams
Take flight

© A. Bougie (9/3/2009)

I Want...

I want to cook a homemade meal and rub each other's feet. I want to spend at least 5 minutes a day where we talk about why we feel so beat or what made today neat. I want you to ask me… Anything. I want to feel as though there’s nothing about me you couldn’t accept or weren’t curious to know and that you see my mind as a bottomless hole where you’re not afraid to go. I want to exist knowing there are arms that long to hold me until I am no longer lonely. I want raw passion, kisses, sweaty thrusts and nibbles. I want all that I am willing to give. I refuse to succumb to a petty guise, like Eartha Kitt for love I won’t compromise. I refuse to concede this need.

© A. Bougie 12/20/2017

A Calm Moment

Standing

Still amongst the onrushing
Cold winds blowing around me
The mist of my breath is taken
Lost in the night time
As my eyes are drawn upward
To the light of the full moon rising
Finding a calm moment
With a clear mind
I hear fallen leaves crisp
Wafting in evening autumn air
Chilled, howling and brisk

© A. Bougie (12/2/2017)
www.abougie.com
www.a-bougie.blogspot.com

Dreaming… (So Many Things)

I stopped
To watch
You sleep
As the sun rose
Up high
Rays of light
Permeate
The sky
Still a mystery- I
Don't know why
You remain
With your eyes closed
Rather than
Bathe yourself
In the warm light
Of love beaming

I hold hope
And so many things
Out of my control
So much light
I hope to
Take up flight
Off into the sun
This battle is one
I will not forget
You say there is
No more
I find
You still
Loving
The life that you will
Fill
With memories
Of graces
Filled
With time
Flowing
Out with the tide

This morning comes
Without asking
Like an
Unexpected guest
Wrapped
Wreathed
I pray
I breathe
I believe
So many things
I can't control
So many things
I try to hold
And be held
To feel whole
So fully empty
Cresting the brim
Filling more
Than should fit in
We learn
There can be no end
To what never did begin
So thus
This emptiness is filled
As light willed
The day into being

Still sleeping
You're not seeing
Your halo
Wrung around
Holding sound
Vibrations unbroken
Beneath the waves
Between the stars
Dreams,
Dreams with you
Breathing,
Breathing me in
An aroma
Indiscreet
Yet undisputed
Sanctity

Still with me
Still with me
These dreams
Of a fool
Tottering
Upon a broken stool
This precipice
This tower
This hour
Holds me in
Allows me to be
Forgiven
Though you
Won't let me in
Your chambers
Are locked
You've closed
The blinds
This love I find
Alone
Longing for a lift
Not just a
Fly by
In the night

I dreamt
To see
To be
Within your light
The same light
You see
But fight
Fearing
The searing
Rays
Flowing in
Unimpeded
As the love 

I gather

With it I
Suds up
And lather
Washing myself
Clean

I hold
The dream
I hold
The light
You hold
Your heart hidden away
Still sleeping
I wonder
What you're dreaming
I do

So divine
Is this time
Worth wishing
Worth waiting
On wings beating
Back the clouds
Bringing that feeling
Back around
Into circulation
Such connotation
Currently corralled
I remain proud
To be alive

© A. Bougie (8/3/2008) 

Colors (My Mother Was)

Purple, yellow-green and blue
(So funny these are now my favorite)
Colors
My mother was
When wheeled from a chamber
In the funeral parlor

This was the day
That I had dreadded
Not the birthday I'd expected
Seventeen
Like a fairy tale curse
Or a bad dream

Her body was
Lifeless and cold
Her dead eyes were closed
I kissed her cheek
Cut a lock of her hair
And learned
The true meaning of despair


© A. Bougie (original written December 2000 -edited- 11/12/2017)
Hard to believe it's now been 17 years since the day that inspired this. Still miss my Mom as much as ever.

7-11 (To Love You All the Same)

On your birthday 
I wanted
To wish you well
          To tell
You that I
May have been hurt
But honey I've learnt
To love
Your endearing words

When full
          Of well
                   Meaning intent

To take
Your searing words
When void
           Of well
                    Meaning intent
In with
Understanding

The fears
          The anger
                    All the love and pain

From whence they came

And to love you
All the same

But you see
I
Was afraid
          It was not
The right time

To try
As though

          One could actually
Find a right time
To try
As though
          This love could ever be
                    All that easy

To express fully
While there
          May still be
So much left to say
Being shushed away

Out of convenience
We store
The refuse
In darkened shelves
Below the heart
Stacked
          Provisions
                    Precariously
                              Positioned
          Pernicious presumptions practiced
                                Precedent

                    Principles
          Pronouncing
Solar plexus shrieks scathing
Entrenched anxieties encountering
Agitations resurgent
Compelling one to
          Reliably
                    Refuse
                              Relations
          Running roads restless
                              Reacting
                    Rancorously
          Refracting
Intentions, ineptly intolerant
Yellow
          Untenable
                    Ideals
                             Easily
                    Ousting
          Affections
Yearning
Stacked
Below the heart
In darkened shelves
The refuse
We store
Out of convenience

To organize the (nearly) intangible
Ideas that inspire our dreams
We build compartments
To carry on
To say so long
To what can
And cannot come with us
As we follow the winds
Breathing in the direction
Of the oncoming air

Blowing
Out the candles
As you make a wish
On your birthday
And you resolve
In the new year
To make advances
To organize the (nearly) intangible
Ideas that inspire our dreams

As though
          One could actually
Find a right time
To try
As though
          This dream could ever be
                   All that easy
To live fully
While afraid
To try
To find the right time
          It will always
Be waiting
To be seen

Finding courage
In compassion

Trying not to ration
Servings of love
Espoused
Even withstanding despair
Dreams demand endurance
Determination and unrelenting reverence
No bounty is promised
From the present
A guarantee cannot be made
But the yearning can be stayed

I want
And I’m wanting
To wish you well
          To tell
You that I
Am afraid
I have been hurt
But honey I’ve learnt
To love
With wild abandon
Without compunction
As a reason to function
Regardless of a
Return
To let my passions
Burn
Understanding
The fears
          The anger
                   All the love and pain

From whence they came

And to love you 

All the same
Poem © - A. Bougie (8/29 - 9/21/2016)
Photo © Dan Tirrell - Dan Tirrell - FB (2018)

Careful how you ask for things... (Fable)

Blustering in through an open window beside her, the wind brought a chill to the back of her neck. Leaning over to close the window she remarked "Boy it's getting chilly out these days." to the dog warming her feet. Looking back she could remember it was only a month ago she'd been in that field with the air so still and the hot afternoon sun blazing down on her. Then she had been asking the universe to please send her a cooling breeze. "Took you long enough!" She thought to the universe. "Guess I should have been more specific on when I wanted the wind with my request that day, huh?"

© A. Bougie 10/19/2017

Written from a writing prompt on the element AIR presented by the lovely and talented writer  Victoria Erickson.

#MeToo - My experiences with Sexual Assault

This is a picture of what I looked like the first time I was raped. Three boys in my neighborhood repeatedly from when I was 5 til I was 8 would bring me into the woods, force me to strip and let them do things to me. I told my mom a few times but she didn't believe me. She said I couldn't know what I was talking about, I was too young to know what sex was. I was confused and embarrassed so I stopped bringing it up. It didn't stop happening though until the oldest boys' family moved away.

When I was in 6th and 7th grade, living in a different town, I was followed repeatedly by two boys. They made me feel unsafe saying lurid comments and doing creepy things like leaving clay penises they made on my porch. So I didn't go out in my neighborhood. My mom believed me then, she called the cops on them once.

At the age of 15 I was raped twice. The first one I reported. However because I knew the person who assaulted me (it was a friends cousin) even though I was 15 and he was 18 making it statutory rape they told me it was only 'unlawful sexual contact.' They said that at most he would get one night in jail and then have it on his record forever. So the police refused to pursue the case.

In ways I felt as violated by the legal dismissal of my trauma as I did from being raped. It was so hard then to try to tell strangers what had happened, only to have them basically say it didn't matter. That what happened to me wasn't as bad as a pock on the perpetrators' record would be for him. This coming from the people who were supposed to keep us safe, and whose job it was to serve justice to those that hurt others and broke the law.

After that I didn't report the second rape, which happened one night when I got drunk at a friends house with a broken door. I blacked out drunk and passed out in the living room, everyone else there went to bed as well. I awoke to one of the neighbors (who had not been drinking with us that evening) from across the street finishing in me, he had come in through the unlockable door. I didn't drink for years after that, and still take it slower than most folks when I do now.

Thankfully I have not been assaulted since, but these memories do not just go away. They sit in the background of my mind and occasionally surface reminding me that I might not be safe. Now I do my best to not let those experiences inhibit me. I will never be free of them though. I can only hope that sharing this story along with the other brave women who have lived to tell their tales will start to open up the type of discussions that might make a boy or man think twice before choosing to use force in order to have his way with a woman or girl without consent.

#MeToo #NoMeansNo #AlwaysSeekConsent #ListenToYourDaughters #RapeIsRape #TeachYourSons 
#TimeForChange #ConsentIsSexy #PutAHaltToSexualAssault

© A. Bougie (10/17/2017)

Daddy Issues

I was told that I must have Daddy issues recently as an insult by someone who did not know me, or that my Father died less than a year ago of cancer. The insult was directed toward my freedom with my nudity. The message stated that no lady showed their ass and tits on the internet, that I was a slut who must have Daddy issues because of it. Well, I do have Daddy issues. My comfortableness with nudity however has nothing to do with my Father.

My Mother, God rest her soul (cigarettes are bad, mmmkay?) told me when I was younger that she didn’t believe she was pretty when she was young. That one of her regrets when she got older and became ill was that she didn’t believe in herself or appreciate how beautiful she was. She told me that I was beautiful, that I should believe it and appreciate it. That so long as I remembered the person I was inside and didn’t compromise my morals she saw no reason for me not to show my body.

Therefore to honor both my Mother and myself- I do, the best way I know how. I could give a damn what others think of me and how I choose to navigate my life in such regards. If people want to be so shallow as to read this book only by its’ cover they can go on thinking I’m a slut for not being ashamed of my nudity. Quite honestly, I’ve found that showing my tits and ass can be a magnificent way to easily weed out the folks whose interests go no deeper than my outer curves.

My Daddy issues are different. They correspond to how I have navigated myself through my past relationships, and the behavior I have allowed from men that I have sustained relations with. My Father never showed much interest in my creative endeavors. He never told me he really believed I could accomplish my goals and dreams; for years he told me I’d never be anything better than a burger flipper. My Dad did not get into deeper conversations with me when avoidable; and would go into fits of loud anger if I attempted to prod him into talking about an unsavory subject. He wasn’t demonstrative with affection and never called me just to say hello or hope my day went well. I couldn’t get my Father to come to my graduation for my architecture and engineering degree, or to one of the three music festivals I put my time, heart and lifetime savings into; though I learned my love of music from him. He wouldn’t even come to my house twenty minutes away for a barbecue. *

Subconsciously because of this I have allowed men into my life who did not support me in the ways I needed. I let it slide when boyfriends avoided touchy subjects with angry outbursts. I believed that I wasn’t worthy of the love and affection I longed for. So I tried harder to make up for it, and put my own needs aside to go the extra distance for people who would not go out of their way for me.

 It has taken some time reflecting to come to these realizations, and I am still working on how to effectively act upon them. Thankfully though, I now know I deserve no less love than I give. That I am worthy of having my needs met, and that includes a relationship where the energy shared is equally reciprocal and of genuine substance. I hope that someday someone will want to walk beside and snuggle me, to help and be helped through tribulations. Someone who offers mutual respect, appreciation and support for making our individual and shared dreams come true. In the meanwhile, I will continue to believe in myself and strive toward manifesting my goals; as I also deserve that self-love.

*My Dad was super awesome none-the-less and I still love him more than I can properly explain. He could always be counted on to be there for me in an emergency, and loved me whole-heartedly in his own way. As he would have said “I love you, just not all of the things you do.”

© A. Bougie (10/13/2017)

Hanging In My Mind

To have someone
Whose aches
I tried and longed to soothe
Say that they
Would want for me to lose
My life
At my own hand no less
I confess
Has opened up a wound
Now I’m trying
My hardest not
To let it consume
My psyche
Though it seems highly likely
I'll have to work through
This problem alone
Just another thing to harden
My aching heart of stone

©A. Bougie 9/17/2017

Inspiration comes from many unexpected sources...
I found out a guy I dated lied and his response was to say that I should go hang myself. I don't plan on hanging myself for the indiscretions of a dishonest person I had no guilt in. The thoughts of friends who had chosen suicide in the face of their pain and loneliness did rush into my mind however, along with the realization that I have or am dealing with very similar situations to those I knew who did give up. Despite my strength to stay among the living, I was pained greatly by being told that I should hang myself, especially coming from someone I had been falling in love with. Trying not to be jaded by the experience, but some things are easier said than done. 
Thankfully so, (in this case particularly) as I was glad to tell the the man who suggested my suicide to be proper reaction upon discovering his infidelity- "Though I appreciate your friendly suggestion, I won't be hanging myself, thanks!"

If You Ever Mean To Grow

You give me feels
I tried to fight it
(Well sort of, okay- not really)
You see I rather like it (and you)
But I want to work
Toward something worthy
Of my devotion
And I want to thank
The universe
When you clutch me in your arms
And so sweetly fall asleep
So I do
As loudly as I can in my mind
Every time

But I'm
Starting to feel
More like an object of convenience
Than affection
This is not the direction
Of the road I wish to travel
I can't deny
Sometimes it's a fun ride
But I am thirsting
For the water of life
And you’re leaving my mouth dry
So don’t patronise
You know we both
Deserve better than that
Waste of life

Please take me to safety
Don’t take me for granted
My heart is weary yet warm
I've learned how to weather a storm
In one piece
To release
That which would scathe
Rather than soothe

So what I want to know
Is if you ever mean to grow
Light
To make it bright
With me
Mutually
Or am I truly only worthy
In your eyes
Of this dim sum
With which you now drain me?


© A. Bougie 8/21/2017

Love Past the Void

I want a
Jitterbug Perfume
Kind of love
An absurdly erotic
Epic adventure
Where a near obsolescent god's
Saved from non-existence
With someone brave enough
To chase after me
Traversing past the void

© A. Bougie (8/24/2017 - *edited 5/21/2018)

Recognize Appreciate Embrace - Poem by A. Bougie on youtube

Recognize, Appreciate, Embrace
© A. Bougie - 12/17/2007

Kinetic Bhakti

We keep things moving

While we

Bring illumination

To culmination

We see the

Simplicity

And recognize the beauty

We

Appreciate the splendor

Of breath

Of being

And seeing

We embrace

Experience

And say

Namaste

Nods

To all the Gods

Creating

The world

In their own image

Bringing the dreams

From thought

To life

We hold these

Truths

To be self evident

With each breath

We circumvent

The nothingness

The emptiness

Is filled

With knowledge

We build

We renovate

And extrapolate

The equation

Down to

Simple arithmetic

Down to

The brass tacks

Just the

Simple facts

Karma acts

As we will

Meditating

Still

Fate-ing

Rather than

Waiting

We climb

The hill

We reach

The plateau

And reflect

Seeing our visions

In retrospect

Awaiting spring

With streams flowing

Releasing

The knowing

We aspire

To take things

Higher

We fix

Our spiral

Into a

Double helix

We elevate

As we create

New levels of being

New approaches to

Self healing

Blissfully

Reeling

Feeling

Each moment

Honestly

Paying close attention to

Lessons along the path

Using our empathy

And forgiving wrath

We

Take the time to laugh

Always keeping humor

Well staffed

We don't allow ourselves to

Feel trapped

We

Open the door

And turn on the light

We

Believe things

To be

Eternally

Forthright

Our belief lights the way

Through the dark of night

We kindle

Our hearts

We keep the

Fires burning

With each smile and tear

We are earning

Our time

We synchronize

The rhyme

And flow

With the tide

Enjoying the ride

Downplaying our pride

Feeding the fire

Heating our bones

Casting stones

We count the cards

And tell

The fortune

Fated well

During our spell

© A. Bougie (12/17/2007)
abougie.com
The world within A. Bougie - Facebook
Photo Credit: © Jean-Jacques David 2017*spell- in this poem references a duration of time, not a 'magic' spell.