Melt into the Earth

Some days
I just melt
Into the Earth
Because it's the only thing
That has always embraced me
Reliably
No matter
My perceived worth

© Amber Morgaine Bougie
11/14/2018

Dreaming… (So Many Things)

I stopped
To watch
You sleep
As the sun rose
Up high
Rays of light
Permeate
The sky
Still a mystery- I
Don't know why
You remain
With your eyes closed
Rather than
Bathe yourself
In the warm light
Of love beaming

I hold hope
And so many things
Out of my control
So much light
I hope to
Take up flight
Off into the sun
This battle is one
I will not forget
You say there is
No more
I find
You still
Loving
The life that you will
Fill
With memories
Of graces
Filled
With time
Flowing
Out with the tide

This morning comes
Without asking
Like an
Unexpected guest
Wrapped
Wreathed
I pray
I breathe
I believe
So many things
I can't control
So many things
I try to hold
And be held
To feel whole
So fully empty
Cresting the brim
Filling more
Than should fit in
We learn
There can be no end
To what never did begin
So thus
This emptiness is filled
As light willed
The day into being

Still sleeping
You're not seeing
Your halo
Wrung around
Holding sound
Vibrations unbroken
Beneath the waves
Between the stars
Dreams,
Dreams with you
Breathing,
Breathing me in
An aroma
Indiscreet
Yet undisputed
Sanctity

Still with me
Still with me
These dreams
Of a fool
Tottering
Upon a broken stool
This precipice
This tower
This hour
Holds me in
Allows me to be
Forgiven
Though you
Won't let me in
Your chambers
Are locked
You've closed
The blinds
This love I find
Alone
Longing for a lift
Not just a
Fly by
In the night

I dreamt
To see
To be
Within your light
The same light
You see
But fight
Fearing
The searing
Rays
Flowing in
Unimpeded
As the love 

I gather

With it I
Suds up
And lather
Washing myself
Clean

I hold
The dream
I hold
The light
You hold
Your heart hidden away
Still sleeping
I wonder
What you're dreaming
I do

So divine
Is this time
Worth wishing
Worth waiting
On wings beating
Back the clouds
Bringing that feeling
Back around
Into circulation
Such connotation
Currently corralled
I remain proud
To be alive

© A. Bougie (8/3/2008) 

Daddy Issues

I was told that I must have Daddy issues recently as an insult by someone who did not know me, or that my Father died less than a year ago of cancer. The insult was directed toward my freedom with my nudity. The message stated that no lady showed their ass and tits on the internet, that I was a slut who must have Daddy issues because of it. Well, I do have Daddy issues. My comfortableness with nudity however has nothing to do with my Father.

My Mother, God rest her soul (cigarettes are bad, mmmkay?) told me when I was younger that she didn’t believe she was pretty when she was young. That one of her regrets when she got older and became ill was that she didn’t believe in herself or appreciate how beautiful she was. She told me that I was beautiful, that I should believe it and appreciate it. That so long as I remembered the person I was inside and didn’t compromise my morals she saw no reason for me not to show my body.

Therefore to honor both my Mother and myself- I do, the best way I know how. I could give a damn what others think of me and how I choose to navigate my life in such regards. If people want to be so shallow as to read this book only by its’ cover they can go on thinking I’m a slut for not being ashamed of my nudity. Quite honestly, I’ve found that showing my tits and ass can be a magnificent way to easily weed out the folks whose interests go no deeper than my outer curves.

My Daddy issues are different. They correspond to how I have navigated myself through my past relationships, and the behavior I have allowed from men that I have sustained relations with. My Father never showed much interest in my creative endeavors. He never told me he really believed I could accomplish my goals and dreams; for years he told me I’d never be anything better than a burger flipper. My Dad did not get into deeper conversations with me when avoidable; and would go into fits of loud anger if I attempted to prod him into talking about an unsavory subject. He wasn’t demonstrative with affection and never called me just to say hello or hope my day went well. I couldn’t get my Father to come to my graduation for my architecture and engineering degree, or to one of the three music festivals I put my time, heart and lifetime savings into; though I learned my love of music from him. He wouldn’t even come to my house twenty minutes away for a barbecue. *

Subconsciously because of this I have allowed men into my life who did not support me in the ways I needed. I let it slide when boyfriends avoided touchy subjects with angry outbursts. I believed that I wasn’t worthy of the love and affection I longed for. So I tried harder to make up for it, and put my own needs aside to go the extra distance for people who would not go out of their way for me.

 It has taken some time reflecting to come to these realizations, and I am still working on how to effectively act upon them. Thankfully though, I now know I deserve no less love than I give. That I am worthy of having my needs met, and that includes a relationship where the energy shared is equally reciprocal and of genuine substance. I hope that someday someone will want to walk beside and snuggle me, to help and be helped through tribulations. Someone who offers mutual respect, appreciation and support for making our individual and shared dreams come true. In the meanwhile, I will continue to believe in myself and strive toward manifesting my goals; as I also deserve that self-love.

*My Dad was super awesome none-the-less and I still love him more than I can properly explain. He could always be counted on to be there for me in an emergency, and loved me whole-heartedly in his own way. As he would have said “I love you, just not all of the things you do.”

© A. Bougie (10/13/2017)