#MeToo - My experiences with Sexual Assault

This is a picture of what I looked like the first time I was raped. Three boys in my neighborhood repeatedly from when I was 5 til I was 8 would bring me into the woods, force me to strip and let them do things to me. I told my mom a few times but she didn't believe me. She said I couldn't know what I was talking about, I was too young to know what sex was. I was confused and embarrassed so I stopped bringing it up. It didn't stop happening though until the oldest boys' family moved away.

When I was in 6th and 7th grade, living in a different town, I was followed repeatedly by two boys. They made me feel unsafe saying lurid comments and doing creepy things like leaving clay penises they made on my porch. So I didn't go out in my neighborhood. My mom believed me then, she called the cops on them once.

At the age of 15 I was raped twice. The first one I reported. However because I knew the person who assaulted me (it was a friends cousin) even though I was 15 and he was 18 making it statutory rape they told me it was only 'unlawful sexual contact.' They said that at most he would get one night in jail and then have it on his record forever. So the police refused to pursue the case.

In ways I felt as violated by the legal dismissal of my trauma as I did from being raped. It was so hard then to try to tell strangers what had happened, only to have them basically say it didn't matter. That what happened to me wasn't as bad as a pock on the perpetrators' record would be for him. This coming from the people who were supposed to keep us safe, and whose job it was to serve justice to those that hurt others and broke the law.

After that I didn't report the second rape, which happened one night when I got drunk at a friends house with a broken door. I blacked out drunk and passed out in the living room, everyone else there went to bed as well. I awoke to one of the neighbors (who had not been drinking with us that evening) from across the street finishing in me, he had come in through the unlockable door. I didn't drink for years after that, and still take it slower than most folks when I do now.

Thankfully I have not been assaulted since, but these memories do not just go away. They sit in the background of my mind and occasionally surface reminding me that I might not be safe. Now I do my best to not let those experiences inhibit me. I will never be free of them though. I can only hope that sharing this story along with the other brave women who have lived to tell their tales will start to open up the type of discussions that might make a boy or man think twice before choosing to use force in order to have his way with a woman or girl without consent.

#MeToo #NoMeansNo #AlwaysSeekConsent #ListenToYourDaughters #RapeIsRape #TeachYourSons 
#TimeForChange #ConsentIsSexy #PutAHaltToSexualAssault

© A. Bougie (10/17/2017)

Daddy Issues

I was told that I must have Daddy issues recently as an insult by someone who did not know me, or that my Father died less than a year ago of cancer. The insult was directed toward my freedom with my nudity. The message stated that no lady showed their ass and tits on the internet, that I was a slut who must have Daddy issues because of it. Well, I do have Daddy issues. My comfortableness with nudity however has nothing to do with my Father.

My Mother, God rest her soul (cigarettes are bad, mmmkay?) told me when I was younger that she didn’t believe she was pretty when she was young. That one of her regrets when she got older and became ill was that she didn’t believe in herself or appreciate how beautiful she was. She told me that I was beautiful, that I should believe it and appreciate it. That so long as I remembered the person I was inside and didn’t compromise my morals she saw no reason for me not to show my body.

Therefore to honor both my Mother and myself- I do, the best way I know how. I could give a damn what others think of me and how I choose to navigate my life in such regards. If people want to be so shallow as to read this book only by its’ cover they can go on thinking I’m a slut for not being ashamed of my nudity. Quite honestly, I’ve found that showing my tits and ass can be a magnificent way to easily weed out the folks whose interests go no deeper than my outer curves.

My Daddy issues are different. They correspond to how I have navigated myself through my past relationships, and the behavior I have allowed from men that I have sustained relations with. My Father never showed much interest in my creative endeavors. He never told me he really believed I could accomplish my goals and dreams; for years he told me I’d never be anything better than a burger flipper. My Dad did not get into deeper conversations with me when avoidable; and would go into fits of loud anger if I attempted to prod him into talking about an unsavory subject. He wasn’t demonstrative with affection and never called me just to say hello or hope my day went well. I couldn’t get my Father to come to my graduation for my architecture and engineering degree, or to one of the three music festivals I put my time, heart and lifetime savings into; though I learned my love of music from him. He wouldn’t even come to my house twenty minutes away for a barbecue. *

Subconsciously because of this I have allowed men into my life who did not support me in the ways I needed. I let it slide when boyfriends avoided touchy subjects with angry outbursts. I believed that I wasn’t worthy of the love and affection I longed for. So I tried harder to make up for it, and put my own needs aside to go the extra distance for people who would not go out of their way for me.

 It has taken some time reflecting to come to these realizations, and I am still working on how to effectively act upon them. Thankfully though, I now know I deserve no less love than I give. That I am worthy of having my needs met, and that includes a relationship where the energy shared is equally reciprocal and of genuine substance. I hope that someday someone will want to walk beside and snuggle me, to help and be helped through tribulations. Someone who offers mutual respect, appreciation and support for making our individual and shared dreams come true. In the meanwhile, I will continue to believe in myself and strive toward manifesting my goals; as I also deserve that self-love.

*My Dad was super awesome none-the-less and I still love him more than I can properly explain. He could always be counted on to be there for me in an emergency, and loved me whole-heartedly in his own way. As he would have said “I love you, just not all of the things you do.”

© A. Bougie (10/13/2017)

Hanging In My Mind

To have someone
Whose aches
I tried and longed to soothe
Say that they
Would want for me to lose
My life
At my own hand no less
I confess
Has opened up a wound
Now I’m trying
My hardest not
To let it consume
My psyche
Though it seems highly likely
I'll have to work through
This problem alone
Just another thing to harden
My aching heart of stone

©A. Bougie 9/17/2017

Inspiration comes from many unexpected sources...
I found out a guy I dated lied and his response was to say that I should go hang myself. I don't plan on hanging myself for the indiscretions of a dishonest person I had no guilt in. The thoughts of friends who had chosen suicide in the face of their pain and loneliness did rush into my mind however, along with the realization that I have or am dealing with very similar situations to those I knew who did give up. Despite my strength to stay among the living, I was pained greatly by being told that I should hang myself, especially coming from someone I had been falling in love with. Trying not to be jaded by the experience, but some things are easier said than done. 
Thankfully so, (in this case particularly) as I was glad to tell the the man who suggested my suicide to be proper reaction upon discovering his infidelity- "Though I appreciate your friendly suggestion, I won't be hanging myself, thanks!"

If You Ever Mean To Grow

You give me feels
I tried to fight it
(Well sort of, okay- not really)
You see I rather like it (and you)
But I want to work
Toward something worthy
Of my devotion
And I want to thank
The universe
When you clutch me in your arms
And so sweetly fall asleep
So I do
As loudly as I can in my mind
Every time

But I'm
Starting to feel
More like an object of convenience
Than affection
This is not the direction
Of the road I wish to travel
I can't deny
Sometimes it's a fun ride
But I am thirsting
For the water of life
And you’re leaving my mouth dry
So don’t patronise
You know we both
Deserve better than that
Waste of life

Please take me to safety
Don’t take me for granted
My heart is weary yet warm
I've learned how to weather a storm
In one piece
To release
That which would scathe
Rather than soothe

So what I want to know
Is if you ever mean to grow
Light
To make it bright
With me
Mutually
Or am I truly only worthy
In your eyes
Of this dim sum
With which you now drain me?


© A. Bougie 8/21/2017

Love Past the Void

I want a
Jitterbug Perfume
Kind of love
An absurdly erotic
Epic adventure
Where a near obsolescent god's
Saved from non-existence
With someone brave enough
To chase after me
Traversing past the void

© A. Bougie (8/24/2017 - *edited 5/21/2018)

Recognize Appreciate Embrace - Poem by A. Bougie on youtube

Recognize, Appreciate, Embrace
© A. Bougie - 12/17/2007

Kinetic Bhakti

We keep things moving

While we

Bring illumination

To culmination

We see the

Simplicity

And recognize the beauty

We

Appreciate the splendor

Of breath

Of being

And seeing

We embrace

Experience

And say

Namaste

Nods

To all the Gods

Creating

The world

In their own image

Bringing the dreams

From thought

To life

We hold these

Truths

To be self evident

With each breath

We circumvent

The nothingness

The emptiness

Is filled

With knowledge

We build

We renovate

And extrapolate

The equation

Down to

Simple arithmetic

Down to

The brass tacks

Just the

Simple facts

Karma acts

As we will

Meditating

Still

Fate-ing

Rather than

Waiting

We climb

The hill

We reach

The plateau

And reflect

Seeing our visions

In retrospect

Awaiting spring

With streams flowing

Releasing

The knowing

We aspire

To take things

Higher

We fix

Our spiral

Into a

Double helix

We elevate

As we create

New levels of being

New approaches to

Self healing

Blissfully

Reeling

Feeling

Each moment

Honestly

Paying close attention to

Lessons along the path

Using our empathy

And forgiving wrath

We

Take the time to laugh

Always keeping humor

Well staffed

We don't allow ourselves to

Feel trapped

We

Open the door

And turn on the light

We

Believe things

To be

Eternally

Forthright

Our belief lights the way

Through the dark of night

We kindle

Our hearts

We keep the

Fires burning

With each smile and tear

We are earning

Our time

We synchronize

The rhyme

And flow

With the tide

Enjoying the ride

Downplaying our pride

Feeding the fire

Heating our bones

Casting stones

We count the cards

And tell

The fortune

Fated well

During our spell

© A. Bougie (12/17/2007)
abougie.com
The world within A. Bougie - Facebook
Photo Credit: © Jean-Jacques David 2017*spell- in this poem references a duration of time, not a 'magic' spell.

Eternal Spirit - Spoken Word on Youtube

Eternal Spirit

© A. Bougie - 11/12/2006

Six years stranded

Still falling 

I stand when I can

Still trying

To turn out what I'd planned

Ideas encouraged

Without doubt

She never failed

To believe

The possibilities

She endowed to me

Built of and by her

My body entire

She bequeathed 

To me her fire

Luminous jewels

Drops of knowledge

She filled me with

Hope eternal 

Composed me of

The best she was

My mother is gone

She's been in ashes

For six years long

Because of her 

I am strong

I carry her spirit on 

Recognize, Appreciate, Embrace (Spoken Word on Soundcloud)

Kinetic Bhakti

We keep things moving

While we

Bring illumination

To culmination

We see the

Simplicity

And recognize the beauty

We

Appreciate the splendor

Of breath

Of being

And seeing

We embrace

Experience

And say

Namaste

Nods

To all the Gods

Creating

The world

In their own image

Bringing the dreams

From thought

To life

We hold these

Truths

To be self evident

With each breath

We circumvent

The nothingness

The emptiness

Is filled

With knowledge

We build

We renovate

And extrapolate

The equation

Down to

Simple arithmetic

Down to

The brass tacks

Just the

Simple facts

Karma acts

As we will

Meditating

Still

Fate-ing

Rather than

Waiting

We climb

The hill

We reach

The plateau

And reflect

Seeing our visions

In retrospect

Awaiting spring

With streams flowing

Releasing

The knowing

We aspire

To take things

Higher

We fix

Our spiral

Into a

Double helix

We elevate

As we create

New levels of being

New approaches to

Self healing

Blissfully

Reeling

Feeling

Each moment

Honestly

Paying close attention to

Lessons along the path

Using our empathy

And forgiving wrath

We

Take the time to laugh

Always keeping humor

Well staffed

We don't allow ourselves to

Feel trapped

We

Open the door

And turn on the light

We

Believe things

To be

Eternally

Forthright

Our belief lights the way

Through the dark of night

We kindle

Our hearts

We keep the

Fires burning

With each smile and tear

We are earning

Our time

We synchronize

The rhyme

And flow

With the tide

Enjoying the ride

Downplaying our pride

Feeding the fire

Heating our bones

Casting stones

We count the cards

And tell

The fortune

Fated well

During our spell

© A. Bougie  (12/17/2007)
Photo Credit : Jean-Jacques David
*spell- in this poem references a duration of time, not a 'magic' spell.

A Lady with Needs

You think it’s cool
To be cold
Oh, well FYI—
It gets kind of old
I want loving arms to enfold
That I might not feel
So alone
But I can’t rely
On anyone
Except myself now babe
Sometimes I wish
I could stop wanting
All the love I crave

Yeah,
Maybe then I’d
Be fully satisfied
With the life I’ve made
Now I
Am full to the brim
Beside myself with a thirst
For love to flow in
But your floodgates
Are rusted shut

By your nose turned up

I am eschewed
For trying
To know you
For hoping
To have substance
Lord knows
All you want
Is what you see
A cute shakin’ ass
A hot little piece
You don’t want to know
A lady that writes
A lady that reads
A lady with needs
She fully intends to feed

Hey—
Just because I
Look hot
Doesn’t mean I ought
To give it up
To someone who
Won’t give me love
Now honey—
I’ve had enough
Late night calling
All your pawing
Doesn’t ease
My longing
‘Cause what I need
Is love
And you won’t
Give it up

Poem © A. Bougie (6/8/2009)
Photo © 2017 Liam Carleton - Liam Carleton Photography on FB

Losing my Mother - (Essay w/ poems: Shattered Remains & Peaceful Defeat)

I lost my mother the day before I turned seventeen. She'd had emphysema for years and had actually died and been resuscitated three times while in I.C.U. for six months when I was 12; at which time the doctors told her she'd be lucky to live a another year. She amazed them all and made it five. She was a fighter and possessed one of the strongest characters I've ever known.

Now I've been as long without her as I had with her, and still losing her is hardest thing I've ever been through, including my fathers passing from cancer last fall. He was nearly 69 (missed it by three days!) I was there with him when he died and he told me he was ready. She was 48 and I was not there, but I know she was not ready to go. She wanted to do and experience so much more and not having the breath available to be able to walk a block at the age of 40 stopped her. It hurts not having been able to say good-bye, and it hurts more to think of all she wanted and will never have, because she deserved so much better, so much more.

To this day it's difficult for me to watch people smoke cigarettes. I can't help but wish that they would never experience the outcome my mother did because of them. The eight years she lived in her 40's she was deprived of former abilities, in and out of hospitals and nursing homes, and in constant pain and agony I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. For a small example of this you can read Castle in the Clouds, a short memoir I wrote on living with my mother as her health deteriorated. It's so hard to watch people hurting themselves and not want to smack some sense into them, not violently, but with love. I want people to love themselves enough to know that they don't deserve a life like that and to be smart enough to take the proper precautions to try to avoid such possible calamity.

The two poems in this post are pieces that were written six months after losing my mother. I was a mess. I've since gotten far past this phase of grief they portray. It took time and gaining a more positive perspective. There are times it still hurts like hell and there are still days I still get hit by waves and cry my eyes out. My viewpoint has changed now though, and you can read Eternal Spirit for a taste of that outlook which is thankfully now filled with more gratitude than sorrow. 

Shattered Remains

Desecrate me, my love in death
Enrapture my whole being
With scathing, clenching misery
Leave my soul floating-
Desperate and lonely to freeze
Out lost in the
Extreme limits of outer space

Stuffing down the screams
That have collected in my throat
Questions never to be answered,
Love impossible to be requited
Tears spattering
Staining my mind

I can still feel the hole in my soul
Where all my pain slipped in
Half my reason for living is gone-
Will someone please
Kindly explain
How do I piece together
My shattered remains?

(© A. Bougie 5/14/2001)

Peaceful Defeat

How do I be rid of my sorrows?
Time, give it time,
Time to lay them to rest
Deep in my chest
Let it seethe and breed
Ripping apart my insides
Just to make room for the pain

Simply hold me
In your forgiving arms
I'll absorb the peace of your intentions

Never will I ever be able to forget
Numb is the closest I can now come
To a carefree existence
For the arms I wish to hold me
Are now packaged ashes

Although sometimes
I can feel a presence
Surround me
My physical need
Remains
Without hope
Lacking reassurance

Shuffling slower day by day
Attempting to push through
The bars of alienation
Forced solitude in my lonely cell

Shattered bits of memories
Stabbing repetitively in my mind
While they tell me of the peace I'll find
My strength is an articulate act
A play of pointless deceit
As I stand quiet alongside
Silent witness to the pitiful process
Of my own defeat.

(© A. Bougie 5/22/2001)

I was defeated, but As the Mighty Phoenix from those ashes I rose...

Intuition Echoes

Sitting silently I observe
The sensation of feeling
Without a word
Thoughts unheard


Intuition echoes
Resonation
In my chest
Nothing less
Than knowing
And oh how I know
The proper direction
I should go


Now I am facing
No more pacing
To and fro
Onward I go
To reap the seed I sow
No fear
It's clear
And coming quicker
As the plot gets thicker


I remember
The resonating
Echoes embracing
Emulating
Event horizon
'Cause I'm risin'
To the occasion

© A. Bougie - 8/2009

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Portrait

Portrait of A. Bougie taken Jan 21, 2017
Photographer : Billy Pops
https://www.facebook.com/billy.pops